I didn't know my own strength;

Listen to this whilst you read for extra UMMPH - haha!

One year ago today I made the decision to stop harming myself. 365 days on from that and I am in utter awe of the strength that I’ve shown. For me, self-harm was about showing the pain I felt on the inside on the outside. I had used this coping mechanism for such a long time that I had forgotten how to just feel sad. Every time that something went wrong or I felt depressed I would hurt myself without a second thought. I had tried to stop, gone for weeks, months even without doing it. Then I would be triggered and feel like I was back to square one. Truth is though, with every failed attempt I got stronger and stronger. 

The person that I was a year ago is not who I am today. That girl was scared, I am braver than ever and so ready to take on everything. Trying to remember back to that time is hard because it feels like someone else entirely. I know that I felt hopeless, worthless and severely unhappy. I felt like I would amount to nothing; I proved myself wrong. This year I have actively made a life for myself, I got really good results in my exams, made new friends, performed on a professional stage, moved out of home and found the young woman that I always wanted to be. 

There’s no denying that this year has had times where I’ve wanted to resort back, there have been so many moments where I’ve had to physically stop myself. I’ve come to realise that those short moments are not failures, in fact some may say that they are the greatest achievements. In my darkest hours I’ve been able to salvage some light and made it through the other side. 

The thing that makes me proudest though is the fact that I’ve done it by myself. I was always so scared that I couldn’t do it by myself and that I needed the help of professionals. When really, all I needed was the love and support of those nearest to me. These are the people that have picked me up, made me smile when I was crying, stronger when I was weak and helped me feel loved when I felt the most alone. These are the beautiful people that made me realise how much strength I have, I never realised just how much resilience I had until now. 


I’ve survived a year, now I have the rest of my life to live. There are going to be days when I feel sad and when I just want give up, but I know that I’ll look back on this year and realise that if I can do this – I can do anything that I put my mind to. I am just as good as anyone else in this world and I deserve my place here. I am worthy of life and I’m so grateful to have finally realised this. I’ve done a lot of growing up in these past 365 days and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s that tomorrow is always a new day, a new opportunity and a new beginning. Everyone deserves their own tomorrow. 

And see this smile - it's going nowhere! x x x