There are
many things that I am trying to do; I’m
trying to be strong, I’m trying to not self-harm again, I’m trying to keep
moving forward. However, trying isn’t doing, it is merely a state of longing
and in many senses it’s a state of failure. Simply trying to do something, isn’t
actually doing it. It’s like admitting defeat because it is just too hard to physically
do. If you’re trying though, you more than likely want it to happen, and in
order for this to take place you need to put all your energy, effort and
determination in to making the thought an action.
“I’m trying to be strong”: No, I am not trying, I am strong. I have fought so hard to be
in the position that I am, to be in the state of mind that I am - for the most
part. This is the state of mind where I feel calm, rational and content with my
life and who I am. There are times when this mind-set can become a little
shaded and overpowered by negative thoughts, but they’re the times when I need
to just be strong. I need to
be able to rely on myself, and I want to rely on myself and know that I have
the power and strength to say that things will get better, because they will
get better. If there’s anything that the past few years have taught me, it’s
that I am my own worst enemy, yet at the same time my own best friend; I think
it’s time that I remembered that a little more often.
“I’m trying not to self-harm again”: I haven’t self-harmed for nearly 10
months – the longest period for years. The pride that I feel within myself and
my heart is enough to keep me going. So, I am not trying to not hurt myself anymore, I’m simply not doing it. Yes,
there are moments when it could be “easy” to go back to my old ways, but I am
so far down this road filled with the most beautiful scenery that I just don’t want
to go back to the dull grey metaphorical skies. Sometimes on this path it
rains, sometimes it pours, but at the end of the storm there is the most
breath-taking rainbow and blue skies that make everything before seem
irrelevant.
“I’m trying to keep moving forward”: This is similar to the path that I mentioned
above; I am not going anywhere near the past. On the road to recovery it’s easy
to look back and glance at those times when you were at your lowest and
sometimes it feels like you’re not as far from those memories as you think you
are. I promise that you get so far
forward with every step you take – no matter how big or small. You can try to move forward, but no matter how
much will you have in the world, you will not go anywhere. All it takes is one
step forward and you will start to see the beauty that is right in front of
you, you will be inspired to keep going, because with every step you take you
get stronger and with every hurdle you overcome the days get brighter and the
hurdles get smaller.
So I’m not
going to “try” to do anything anymore, I’m going to “do”, and by doing it I
will get stronger, I will feel braver and the world in which I made for myself
will continue to transform itself. If you are stuck wanting to try, but not
knowing how, just take that first step forward and then take another and
another – one foot in front of the other, a baby step at a time. There may be
no destination, there may be no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But who
needs a destination or gold when we are happy and continuing to grow.
