the woman

The girl in this photo is brave. She is sassy and funny, and just wonderful. She is everything that I want to be again, She is everything I am working so hard to be again. Sometimes to move forward you have to look backwards; you have to look at the people that you have been and take everything you have ever loved about yourself in its most purest form and channel it in to your future. 

That means that you have to let go too. You have to say goodbye to the things that have held you down for so many years - look back at the things that have caused you pain, worry, and stress. You have to make the choice and have faith in it. Just because something was right for you, doesn't mean that it always will be; sometimes letting go is the right thing to do. That doesn't mean that it was never right, it just means that you're changing and growing. You can still cherish the good memories, and learn from the bad. But at the end of the day, you are the only constant in your life. This life we live is too short for regrets, too short for negativity, and too short to not put yourself first.

The woman I am becoming is sassy and funny, and just wonderful. I have changed over the past few years; I am blossoming in to a woman that the little girl in the photo would look up to and be proud of. Yesterday's me is proud of me today, and tomorrow's will be even more proud. With each day that goes by I am continuing to struggle, but I am grateful for the lessons that it is teaching me. I am winning every battle that I fight, and with that, ultimately I am winning my war.  

SUNDAY BRUNCH: Banana & Egg Pancakes

I'm on a bit of a health kick at the moment, and trying to make better choices about what on earth I put in my body. The thing is though, I have a sweet tooth and love food that feels naughty to eat. So, that's why this morning I decided to try banana and egg pancakes. Boy-oh-boy. These are goooood! And with pancake day next week, this is a great low cal version.

So here is my own take on the most scrumptious healthy pancakes.

Ingredients: 
1x relatively ripe banana - the general rule is the riper the banana the sweeter the pancakes
2x free range eggs
FryLight
Sprinkle of Cinnamon powder (optional)
Honey & fruit for serving (optional)

Method: 
- Peel and mash the banana until it's pretty smooth and creamy in texture
- Whisk 2 eggs in a bowl
- Add the banana mixture to the bowl and mix
- Add a few sprinkles of cinnamon if you want (I'd highly recommend you do - it was delicious!)
- Heat up a frying pan
- When the pan is hot enough, spray a few sprays of FryLight or any other low calorie spray oil
- Add a ladle full of the pancake batter to the pan and wait for air bubble to start forming
- Flip, and make sure that both sides are lovely and golden
- Add to your plate, and cover with a tea-towel to retain the heat whilst you cook the others

This mixture made about 5 pancakes for me, and they were the perfect amount to satisfy my sweet tooth, whilst still coming in at less than 300 calories.

Let me know if you make these, and tag me in any photo's on instagram @regardingjemma

babe, just be yourself

You know the saying, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken". Well, if you'd have said that to me three months ago then I would have told you that it was bullshit. I categorically did not want to be myself, I wanted to be just like everyone else. But then I went to therapy, gained some beautiful and insightful friends who filled my head with the knowledge that I am good enough, and that I can do this - whatever this may be. And well, now I feel unstoppable. 

A few days ago was the awareness for the syndrome that I have. Last year I wrote about how much I hated it, and everything that it had made me. In the year that has passed since writing that I feel like everything has changed; I have changed. I have a syndrome, but that's the smallest part of me and if people can't see past that then that is their own problem - not mine.

It's time that I made the little girl who wasn't afraid dream, and the teenager who let other people stop her dreaming, know that we can do whatever the fuck we work for. Life is too short to get weighed down in other people's opinions. I'm all about making myself proud, and living for me and what I want. Sometimes that might make me seem selfish, but I'm all about doing what I need to do to get by. 

People love me for being me, I don't need to be the "depressed" friend, or the one who "buys" people for others to like me. Sometimes you just have to realise that you're more than fine just being yourself. I feel so lucky to have the best group of people around me at the moment who just tell it to me straight. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't trade their honesty for the world. Believe me when I say that quite often all you need is the threat of a slap and someone to tell you to lighten up when you lose your perspective. 

I think what I'm really trying to say is that it's ok to be yourself, and to love yourself exactly as you are. People will come, and go, but as long as you love yourself then that's all that matters. 

i can, and i will

Sometimes I forget just how strong I am, sometimes I forget how loved I am, and sometimes I forget just how much I have to live for. Today was one of those days where I remembered how loved I was, and how worthy of life and goodness I am. But more importantly, this evening I reminded myself just how strong I am.

I had one of the loveliest afternoons with some friends over; I cooked a roast dinner and we just sat around talking and drinking non-alcoholic "wine". They arrived with wine and flowers, and by the time they left my stomach was full of good food, and my soul was nourished by their company.

But then I crashed, and I don't know why. I can have the most wonderful day, and be the happiest little thing. But it's almost as if my brain gets confused with too much emotion and doesn't how to process the happiness and gets it confused for sadness. And so, a few hours after my friends left, I found myself crying in to an actual alcoholic glass of wine and wondering why I felt so incredibly alone and isolated.

In total honesty, I wanted to be destructive in my negative thought-processes, and I was close to making a bad decision. But then I just had to actually look at what was happening. Nothing is wrong, I've had a great day. There was literally no reason for me feeling like that.

So, I snapped myself out of it before it got worse. I ditched the wine for a cup of tea, a book, a blanket, and snuggled up on the sofa ready for an early night. I could have easily made a mistake tonight that would have left a permanent scar on my body. But I didn't.

It's times like these that I'm reminded of how much stronger I am than before. I am blessed to have people in my life that remind me of my strength, and of the importance of the little things in life.

One of the most important things that I am beginning to learn is that I have everything I ever need right within me. I can, and I will do this. And I can do it all by myself.

I am loved

For the past 10 years I have battled with depression, and it's been so hard. 

At school people said some of the most hurtful things, and I don't think they - or even I - knew the lasting impact that it would have. As soon as I left school and those people behind, I was floored with the damage that their words had had. My confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at rock bottom, and I was absolutely broken. 

In the years that have followed I feel like I have been on a journey filled with some incredible high points, but also some of the darkest depths of despair. I lost count a long time ago of the number of times I have carved in to my own skin and wanted to die. But what I realise now, looking back, is that I kept going and moving forward - even when it felt like I was falling in to a blackhole of sadness. I think that takes such courage, determination, and strength.  

When I think about the sixteen year old girl who left school with no hopes, aspirations, or dreams for the future, I want to just wrap her in a hug and tell her that everything will be ok. That sixteen year old broken girl turns in to a twenty-three year old graduate, who is forging a career in an industry she would never have even thought of. She has made so many true, and life-long friends. She is generous, kind, and absolutely hilarious. But most importantly, she is loved. 

...

Around two months ago I hit rock bottom. My anxiety was crippling and my depression was draining me of everything I had left to fight with. I was the closest to giving up that I have ever been in my entire life. I remember so many times walking along the road and just willing the next car to come along and hit me. I just wanted all of the pain to go away. I didn't want to be me anymore, I didn't want to look like me, and I didn't want to look in the mirror and see the disability that had caused me so much heartache. 

I became reckless and did stupid things to hurt myself physically to cause a pain that I could actually make sense of. I scared myself, but I'm glad that I did. That fear ignited the last spark of courage within me, but it was enough to set alight a roaring flame of strength that has, honestly, saved my life.

Six weeks ago I started going to therapy and it has not only changed my life, but it has changed me as a person. I have become so much more aware of my thoughts, actions, and emotions. We have looked at CBT techniques, mindfulness, positive thought processes. But the most important thing I will take away from this, is the importance in being able to self-soothe. To know that things will inevitably come up in life that will test me and shake me to my very core - make me question everything - but know that I can deal with it. 

It sounds daft, but I have pictures of me when I was little on my phone, in my bedroom, and on my desk at work. Any time that I have a negative thought or feel my mood lowering, I talk to myself as if I am that little girl again. As the adult that I now am, I am working to be able to reassure the childlike voice of innocence and fear with the knowledge that everything is going to be ok. Stop, and breathe. I can do this. Would I hurt that little girl in the same way that I have hurt myself in the past, and would I wish her the same level of pain that I wish upon myself as 'Jemma the adult'? The answer is, of course, no. Then I remind myself that even though I am now grown up, I'm still that girl in the photo and I deserve the same love, happiness and life that she does. 

I am very slowly learning to love myself, but also learning to let other people love me. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's who the most important people in my life are. I feel like I have a small army of powerful and empowering people behind me every step of the way. The support network that I have makes me so emotional for all the right reasons. I feel like I am truly loved for the first time, and I feel like I am finally able to build myself in to the person that I have always wanted to be.

To everyone who has helped me in the past couple of months, whether you have been part of my journey for years, months or weeks, you have no idea how much it has meant. Every single day you are helping me to rebuild myself and allowing me to have confidence in myself again. For the first time in years, I can look at myself in the mirror and not see 'the broken girl with the syndrome', but the girl with the thoughtful heart, old soul, and ferocious strength. 

I am me, and that is more than enough. This woman can, and this woman will.

being selfish does not make you a selfish person

Ok, ok, so I'm feeling really deep this week. But you know when you're just thinking about how far you have come as a person and you just feel like you want to document how good you feel about yourself for the times when you need a bit of a pep talk. Future Jemma, this is your pep talk, listen up gal...

You know when you were in school and you were so unhappy that you actually didn't see, nor did you want a future. Aren't you glad that you didn't give up - because 23 y/o me sure is. And when you were doing your alevels and were too scared to try because you were scared to fail? Well the moment you got over that fear, you aced it. When you were at uni you couldn't see yourself in a job, you thought you'd never walk in to an interview and do it without tripping over your words. Well girl, you thrive in interview now. You literally love the chance to talk to new people, and you love the challenge of thinking on your feet.

You're the person that you would have envied as a teenager; someone with drive and passion, and everything that you were always too scared to have. Fear doesn't define you, and it should not restrict you. It should push you forward, and make you want things like you never realised you did before.

This year you put yourself first, you chose your own happiness above the happiness of others; yet you still have the compassionate soul you've always had. You let friendships grow with the people that deserved you, and said goodbye to those who dulled your spirit. You have loved people, and felt their love and pride for you. Your confidence has grown beyond recognition, your strength and resilience is like nothing you could have imagined.

So, Jemma. Whenever you feel like you're not achieving your dreams, or like you're not strong enough to make changes in your life. Just remember this:

You are your own hero. You are a warrior. 

sometimes timing is everything

On Tuesday I leave my job, and it feels like the right time. I've loved working there, and I've learned so much, but it definitely feels like it's my time to start something new. Over the past year I've come to notice the subtle hints that the universe tells us. I guess you could say that I've become somewhat more 'in-tune'.

If you read some of my older posts, you'll see just how scared of change I have been. Every milestone of change that I faced has terrified me. But over the last year, thanks to a few people in my life, I've realised that whilst some things change I have the choice in what parts of change can stay the same.

A few days ago one of my best friends told me how proud she was of me for not staying in my current job just because it was easy. She's known me for a long time, and has really seen me grow and develop, and so it meant so much to hear. It got me thinking though; a few years ago I would not have put myself first and made choices to improve myself. If I was the girl that I was, even two years ago, then I would take the easy option simply because I was too scared to try something new. I guess I didn't have the confidence, self-belief, and ultimately the self-worth to challenge myself.

New beginnings used to scare me more than I could ever put in to words. But leaving my current workplace, starting my new job, and living my life with a passion for success makes me so proud. Many, many, years ago someone told me to just carry on taking baby steps forward and before I know it I'll look back and realise that I'm a completely different person with so much strength. She was right.

The pride I feel right now is just everything.