I often think to myself whether, given the chance, I'd like to start my life over again. It's every persons own choice as to what they would decide and what they would in fact base their decision upon. Myself, I think that I would have to be a very strong person to allow myself to go through some of the things I have. In some respects, as I write this, I feel selfish as I know many who have had harder things to experience as a child, teenager and young adult, such as loss or illness. However, I cannot help but feel sorrow for my own experiences. There's a quote that came to mind just as I am putting this together "you cannot judge me until you have walked through life wearing my shoes" - I think that this sums up what I was trying to get at. I know many people in my life who have, or continue to say that I simply over reacted to things, that I have had it easy. To them, looking from the outside in they may believe that I have. However, they were not there the times that I cried myself to sleep at night, or when I found myself sitting in a room full of people that I knew well and still feeling alone. They were not there when I first dug a my nail in to my skin and scraped along my innocent flesh, they were not there when I had dark thoughts of running away with nothing or when I had thoughts of ending everything that was me. 
So the question is whether I would be able to go through it all again and still be able to make progress of coming out the other side of it a better person with strength, will and determination? The truth is that regardless of who the people in my life are, I'd still have the same - or very similar issues. I'd still have my syndrome, I'd still look different, I'd still feel different, some people would still pick fault with it.
In total honesty, I don't think I'd change a single part of me. Beauty isn't only skin deep, it is so much more. I know that I am as worthy of life as anyone else, I know that I that my heart is pure and open, I know that I am all that I need and want to be. I am accepting, kind and beautiful. If I hadn't of had the experiences I did as a child, or if I wasn't born with my syndrome then I know that I wouldn't be half the person that I am today.
One person told me once when I was feeling really unhappy about a year ago, that I would one day be able to look back on my life so far and see that what what has happened has done so for a reason and that I will grow to respect that I am going to be okay. This same person has been there for me - along with many others - at my greatest times of need.
All that I am now is based on the knowledge I have gained from not being okay. I've been taught unknowingly how to accept others for all they truly are inside, to carry respect and love for those who do for me, and to most importantly not be afraid of all that I truly am. Life is for living, embracing those who choose to embrace you, and not living I. Fear of who you are. This life that we lead is so cruelly short and can be cut shorter at any moment. Don't live regrets of not doing things because you didn't have the confidence. I have these regrets. And now at still the young age of eighteen if I could tell my eight year old self anything, it would be "don't be afraid to be different, you are beautiful, different is beautiful. In years to come you may not see this so clearly, but as long as you remember to never give up hope and never be afraid to say all you truly feel, then you'll be on the right path. Life has its ways of trying to throw you off track, it's nothing but a test though because one day you'll be who I am now. You'll be so proud of everything you've achieved. Just remember to always keep your heart open and your head wired up and you'll be alright". 
Saying all this has made me realise that there will always be times when I let some bad memories take hold, but if I look, read and remember the advice I just gave myself, well, I won't go far wrong.
So, in answer to my question - yes I would go back and start my life over again - on one condition though... that everything was the same as it was previously, after all, hearts are stronger when they've been broken before. School had its ups and downs, but it's made me the person I am today - and in a strange way, I can't help but be grateful to those people who once made me feel inferior. I also can't deny that a big part of who I am right now at this moment is due to my inspiring family, friends, lecturers and classmates, all of which in my eyes are undeniably and literally the best thing since sliced bread! 
No comments:
Post a Comment