Metathesiophobia.

"The only constant thing in life is change" - François de la Rochefoucauld 

(more beautiful quotes about change)

Metathesiophobia is the fear of change. I have this fear. Ever since I can remember there has been a significant part of me that simply wants to keep hold of all the precious things in my life and not let it go. But the thing I’ve come to realise is that even if you don’t want to change, people around you – the world around you, has to change or may even have the desire to change without your consent. When this happens you have no choice, you have to ‘go with the flow’, regardless of how it makes you feel and the emotional turmoil you might be going through.

Change is also a factor of growing older. Okay, so I’m only eighteen and I really do hope to live for a lot longer, but still the changes that take place in a young person’s life can have lasting effects. Take me for example, as a child I guess that the first change I can think of is my parent’s separation and divorce when I was four years of age. I honestly cannot tell you whether this has influenced the person I am today as I merely cannot remember this time because I was so young and the way things are now, I’ve grown up with. But the major change in my life came at the age of eleven – moving to secondary school.

I understand that I do paint quite a negative picture of my time at secondary school. I would like to say that as well as having some of the worst times of my life I also had some of my best. However, I went from being a positive and happy person to being the complete antithesis. It hit me hard. I wasn’t expecting anything close to what I experienced. As it usually is the early years of being a teenager you struggle to find yourself and who you are. This can lead to you flitting between different social groups until you (hopefully) find the one that suits you and your personality best. I don’t know about anyone else, but this led to me feeling extremely alone. I would just find my feet, something would ‘change’/go wrong, and then I’d be out on my ear ready to find someone else to be my friend – I have got there now, I know who my friends are, so it’s not impossible to find people to call true friends! All this change made me feel awkward, shy, self-conscious and I guess sort of unworthy of friends.

The next chronological change is leaving school. There’s no two ways of putting this other than saying “I was genuinely shitting myself”. I was comfortable at school. I had my friends, I had teachers I could speak with and just a structure that was easy to cope with.

So then there’s the actual starting of college. Mmm, I was pretty scared actually – not as much as I thought I’d be through (I think this was mainly because I knew a LOT of people going to my college from school and so I wouldn’t be on my own at all). But whereas in school I had a few people I knew I could turn to if things got tough, I had no one in college and had to make the relationships from scratch. Although, I soon learnt that this wasn’t such a hard thing to do. So that kind of meant that this change at least was good. The support that my school had provided me with was nothing compared to the help I was receiving at college. The transition in to my A2 year was pretty smooth too. I still had my friends. And, even though I still had to start an AS class with people from the year below, it wasn’t so daunting as I knew the subjects lecturer from the year before and she was also my tutor (and a really great support throughout the year). I wasn’t on my own in the class, I got involved in discussions and genuinely felt happy.

And I guess we’re up to now - right now, and as I’m sat typing this I know that within the next year of my life I will have to face some of the biggest decisions and changes of yet. So, even though already having spent two years at college and (depending on my grades) getting two a-levels I’m going back so that I can finish my sociology at A2 (as I re-sat my AS year again – I failed first time) and to fill my time I’m also going to do two other AS subjects, history and psychology. But my friends won’t be there. I’ll be on my own. I’ll have to make other/new friends and I’ll be in classes with people that I don’t know. I’m nervous, scared, petrified and a little bit excited I guess. Anyway, next year should be a walk in the park considering the year after…

I have recently decided that I want to go to university. I have no clue what I want to study, or where I want to study. I guess this lack of direction really isn’t good as I struggle with making a decision and obviously with change. I guess you could call this next year a transition as I still fundamentally have the support around me. The year after, now that’s where the real change begins. Do I go far away/stay close to home/live at home. My mum also wants us to move to a city for various reasons. This is me, Jemma, who has lived in the exact same house since she came home from the hospital after being born. My only set of Grandparents live a five minute walk away, my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin a 10 minute walk away – if that! I DON’T DO CHANGE! I LIKE THINGS TO STAY THE SAME. I AM BORING. I AM SCARED OF CHANGE.

Ok, rant over. I know that change is inevitable. I also know that change can bring about some of the best things ever. I have various examples of this: getting support at college, stopping self-harming, finding true and irreplaceable friends, finding people who I admire and look up to. I think that change can be good. If there was never any change then things wouldn’t ever get better in the world.

Change can bring about beautiful things. I’ve also come to realise that it sorts the strong from the weak. I am strong. I know that change will happen, I know that people will come and go. But I also know that the past creates memories that not even change can eradicate.

(here is more information about Matathesiophobia)