Walking forward.

I'm so glad I never gave up, lord knows I was closer than I would have ever wanted to be. When I say giving up, I'm not entirely sure what I mean. I guess I could go as far to say as me not being around any more. But honestly, I don't think I could have ever gone that far. I think what I mean is that I would have just given up on "me". I could have retracted in to a state where I just didn't want to do anything, or be anyone, a state where I just didn't see the point.
I feel like the past few years of my life were a build up to 2012. That year broke me, but it also made and shaped me in to the person that I am today. I was so lost, but didn't realise just how lost I was until it came to fork in the metaphorical road - otherwise known as my life. It got to the stage where I had to choose for myself whether I wanted to keep going or just to give up. The choice to keep going was the single best thing I have ever done in my life to date.
You see, I was in a situation much like a roller-coaster. I was soaring high the one minute, yet falling so fast the next, falling to a pit filled with self-harm, depression and utter loneliness. I had been in this situation so many times before that I had lost everything that I was, I just didn't know who "Jemma" was. Looking back, I don't think I ever really knew who I was.
For the past 8 years I had been trying to "fit in" with people that weren't like me. I was trying so desperately to change who I was to mould and fit to their ideal and I didn't realise at the time, but I was torturing myself, why should I have had to change who I was to fit in, what was the point? But being young I saw that I had to alter to be happy. This was extremely naive of me, and in honesty by doing this I quite possibly caused myself a lot more pain. However, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and in fairness if I hadn't gone through this then I wouldn't be the person I am now, or have the strength and determination.
It's only in the past 12 months that I realised I need to stop trying to change who I am, but just try to improve myself to make sure that I am the best that I can be. I now know that I don't need to fit in with the "cool" people, or be with the most aesthetically beautiful. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it isn't just exterior - there are so many depths to beauty that at a first glance people just do not see.
Currently I have a select few best friends that care for me, see me for me and see the beauty from within me - as I do them. I can speak without fear of being judged. I can laugh at the most stupid things. I have jokes that only me and my friends understand. I have people that can tell when I am sad, they can cheer me up and tell me when I quite frankly need to get a grip.
I'm pushing myself to new limits, demonstrating that I can do so much more than I thought I could a few years ago. I'm trying to put the past behind me. I am also telling myself that I am good enough, that I am strong enough, that I can be anything I want to be. But most importantly, I'm telling myself every day that life does go on. A bad day doesn't make a bad week and tears don't mean you're losing. Life goes on, and so will I.
So to the people who never gave up on me, thank you. To those who impacted on my life in the wrong sort of way, thank you also. Yes, I did fall apart, but I fixed myself back together and now, I am Jemma and I am strong, beautiful and oh so happy - just the way I am.