I like to
pride myself on being strong, but sometimes it’s harder than others. Sometimes
you just get lost in your own despair. I like to think that I am okay and that I’m
“over” things, but truth is I don’t think I am. There are points in my life
when I just have to be sad. Today is one of those days where nothing has really
gone right.
I’ve been
feeling awkward for the past few days, and with that there have been moments
where I’ve had anxieties. I don’t feel good enough today, I feel weaker and
vulnerable. Everything is just so much harder and I have no desire to do anything.
Truth is, I’ve thought about self-harming again. The fact that I am so close to
10 months without it is probably the biggest thing keeping me going.
Today the
smallest things felt like such an effort, and things that wouldn’t normally
bother me really have. I went out with no makeup today, I’m usually fine with
it, but today I just looked at myself and thought that I looked so horrid. It
was one of those moments when I look in the mirror, straight in to my eyes, and
feel like somehow this isn’t my body – like this isn’t the way I’m supposed to
be. I was in the supermarket today and accidentally knocked a glass jar of jam
off of the shelf, then my pizza collapsed on the floor before it went in to the
oven. These are trivial things, but they really got to me and made me so so
angry. In all honesty, these were just the catalyst things.
Why I have
my anxieties, I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I just lose a little part
of this mask which hides everything under the surface – I don’t think I can
afford for it to come to the surface. In the past 10 months there have been
many times when I’ve wanted to hurt myself again, to just feel something.
Today has
been a hard day, and I’m trying to fight it yet again with all the will in the
world. See, there’s the “trying” word again. It’s not like I’ve failed by
trying, I’m just not moving forward. I need to keep moving forward. Besides which,
there’s always tomorrow.
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