I am loved

For the past 10 years I have battled with depression, and it's been so hard. 

At school people said some of the most hurtful things, and I don't think they - or even I - knew the lasting impact that it would have. As soon as I left school and those people behind, I was floored with the damage that their words had had. My confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at rock bottom, and I was absolutely broken. 

In the years that have followed I feel like I have been on a journey filled with some incredible high points, but also some of the darkest depths of despair. I lost count a long time ago of the number of times I have carved in to my own skin and wanted to die. But what I realise now, looking back, is that I kept going and moving forward - even when it felt like I was falling in to a blackhole of sadness. I think that takes such courage, determination, and strength.  

When I think about the sixteen year old girl who left school with no hopes, aspirations, or dreams for the future, I want to just wrap her in a hug and tell her that everything will be ok. That sixteen year old broken girl turns in to a twenty-three year old graduate, who is forging a career in an industry she would never have even thought of. She has made so many true, and life-long friends. She is generous, kind, and absolutely hilarious. But most importantly, she is loved. 

...

Around two months ago I hit rock bottom. My anxiety was crippling and my depression was draining me of everything I had left to fight with. I was the closest to giving up that I have ever been in my entire life. I remember so many times walking along the road and just willing the next car to come along and hit me. I just wanted all of the pain to go away. I didn't want to be me anymore, I didn't want to look like me, and I didn't want to look in the mirror and see the disability that had caused me so much heartache. 

I became reckless and did stupid things to hurt myself physically to cause a pain that I could actually make sense of. I scared myself, but I'm glad that I did. That fear ignited the last spark of courage within me, but it was enough to set alight a roaring flame of strength that has, honestly, saved my life.

Six weeks ago I started going to therapy and it has not only changed my life, but it has changed me as a person. I have become so much more aware of my thoughts, actions, and emotions. We have looked at CBT techniques, mindfulness, positive thought processes. But the most important thing I will take away from this, is the importance in being able to self-soothe. To know that things will inevitably come up in life that will test me and shake me to my very core - make me question everything - but know that I can deal with it. 

It sounds daft, but I have pictures of me when I was little on my phone, in my bedroom, and on my desk at work. Any time that I have a negative thought or feel my mood lowering, I talk to myself as if I am that little girl again. As the adult that I now am, I am working to be able to reassure the childlike voice of innocence and fear with the knowledge that everything is going to be ok. Stop, and breathe. I can do this. Would I hurt that little girl in the same way that I have hurt myself in the past, and would I wish her the same level of pain that I wish upon myself as 'Jemma the adult'? The answer is, of course, no. Then I remind myself that even though I am now grown up, I'm still that girl in the photo and I deserve the same love, happiness and life that she does. 

I am very slowly learning to love myself, but also learning to let other people love me. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's who the most important people in my life are. I feel like I have a small army of powerful and empowering people behind me every step of the way. The support network that I have makes me so emotional for all the right reasons. I feel like I am truly loved for the first time, and I feel like I am finally able to build myself in to the person that I have always wanted to be.

To everyone who has helped me in the past couple of months, whether you have been part of my journey for years, months or weeks, you have no idea how much it has meant. Every single day you are helping me to rebuild myself and allowing me to have confidence in myself again. For the first time in years, I can look at myself in the mirror and not see 'the broken girl with the syndrome', but the girl with the thoughtful heart, old soul, and ferocious strength. 

I am me, and that is more than enough. This woman can, and this woman will.