finding face #1

I feel as if I'm on the cusp of some big change. Maybe I'm not, who knows? But what I do know is that I feel really quite wonderful at the moment; things seem to be fitting in to place somewhat and it makes me feel like I'm actually about to achieve something. I can't really describe it, but I feel so reflective and just get lost in the thought of what was, what is, and what could be.

Growing up there was always such a big barrier in my way, and I couldn't escape from it. In quite possibly the most literal sense, everywhere I looked it was just there - staring right back at me. My face. There's no way to escape the thing that you and every one else sees every single day. When I was younger I tried to deny it, lie to myself and pretend that it just wasn't there. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work and I just found myself in a hole of depression, self-hatred, self-harm, and anxiety. What a lovely little potion of poison that I was manifesting within myself. I was utterly fucking miserable. So fucking unhappy that I just wanted to end my life. 

When I look back on this time it all just seems like a huge messy blur filled with tears, loneliness, and so much sadness. I'd say this was me for maybe about six years. I know that it was hell. But somehow through all of it I managed to keep going. I started to build a life. I grew up a little and learned how to fight demons and mend my broken head and heart. 

Honestly though, I still fought battles daily. It wasn't until the end of last year though when I really really started to get a handle on things and learn of the person that I had become. It wasn't as if one day I woke up and my mind-set completely changed. It took years, actual years, for me to realise that I am just as worthy as anyone else on this planet. I fought battles to get here; I have won wars within myself. 

I'm starting a new series on here, mainly for myself as something cathartic. I'm calling it 'finding face' for reasons you'll soon discover.