sometimes timing is everything

On Tuesday I leave my job, and it feels like the right time. I've loved working there, and I've learned so much, but it definitely feels like it's my time to start something new. Over the past year I've come to notice the subtle hints that the universe tells us. I guess you could say that I've become somewhat more 'in-tune'.

If you read some of my older posts, you'll see just how scared of change I have been. Every milestone of change that I faced has terrified me. But over the last year, thanks to a few people in my life, I've realised that whilst some things change I have the choice in what parts of change can stay the same.

A few days ago one of my best friends told me how proud she was of me for not staying in my current job just because it was easy. She's known me for a long time, and has really seen me grow and develop, and so it meant so much to hear. It got me thinking though; a few years ago I would not have put myself first and made choices to improve myself. If I was the girl that I was, even two years ago, then I would take the easy option simply because I was too scared to try something new. I guess I didn't have the confidence, self-belief, and ultimately the self-worth to challenge myself.

New beginnings used to scare me more than I could ever put in to words. But leaving my current workplace, starting my new job, and living my life with a passion for success makes me so proud. Many, many, years ago someone told me to just carry on taking baby steps forward and before I know it I'll look back and realise that I'm a completely different person with so much strength. She was right.

The pride I feel right now is just everything.

finding face #1

I feel as if I'm on the cusp of some big change. Maybe I'm not, who knows? But what I do know is that I feel really quite wonderful at the moment; things seem to be fitting in to place somewhat and it makes me feel like I'm actually about to achieve something. I can't really describe it, but I feel so reflective and just get lost in the thought of what was, what is, and what could be.

Growing up there was always such a big barrier in my way, and I couldn't escape from it. In quite possibly the most literal sense, everywhere I looked it was just there - staring right back at me. My face. There's no way to escape the thing that you and every one else sees every single day. When I was younger I tried to deny it, lie to myself and pretend that it just wasn't there. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work and I just found myself in a hole of depression, self-hatred, self-harm, and anxiety. What a lovely little potion of poison that I was manifesting within myself. I was utterly fucking miserable. So fucking unhappy that I just wanted to end my life. 

When I look back on this time it all just seems like a huge messy blur filled with tears, loneliness, and so much sadness. I'd say this was me for maybe about six years. I know that it was hell. But somehow through all of it I managed to keep going. I started to build a life. I grew up a little and learned how to fight demons and mend my broken head and heart. 

Honestly though, I still fought battles daily. It wasn't until the end of last year though when I really really started to get a handle on things and learn of the person that I had become. It wasn't as if one day I woke up and my mind-set completely changed. It took years, actual years, for me to realise that I am just as worthy as anyone else on this planet. I fought battles to get here; I have won wars within myself. 

I'm starting a new series on here, mainly for myself as something cathartic. I'm calling it 'finding face' for reasons you'll soon discover. 

 

Chapters

It's crazy scary to think that in less than a month I'll have finished university - like totally finished uni forever. Education will be over. I've learned so much in these past three years, not just educationally, but about myself more generally. This past year has been the absolute best year of my life and I'm actually really sad to think that I'll be moving on from this place and in to the real world. I'm so excited for what the future holds for me. I'm not naive, I know that it's going to be really hard to find a job, and carve a life for myself. But in this past year I've learned so many new things about myself and I really have faith in my abilities. If we're lucky, life is a long road ahead of us, and I cannot wait to see what happens.

I'm twenty-two, and I started this blog when I was sixteen or seventeen. Even just looking back on my first few posts I can see just how much I have changed and grown; it makes me excited for the future and what changes can come. I think I've posted quite a few reflective posts on my time here, but I think this is the one where shit really gets real.

I cannot tell you how excited I am to see where I'll end up. The world is kind of my oyster right now, and I know that it'll take time. But I'm ready to dive in to the deep end, and just see what happens. It's time for another chapter to begin. But, until then, I still have a few weeks to make the most of the most carefree time of my life. I'm EXCITED!

friends & food in the sunshine

Yesterday I went out for dinner with one of my best friends from college. We barely see each other any more, but when we get together it's like nothing has changed between us. I think that's the meaning of true friendship - it lasts the test of time. We met in town (after I caught the bus all by myself - another little mile-stone achieved!) and then tottered off to Pizza Express for some lunch. Unfortunately we had a £10 off when you spend £40 - that clearly meant that we just <u>had</u> to go for three courses. Ooops. Like a complete ditz I only remembered to take pictures of my main course - that's surely enough food porn for one post though, right? To start I had the scrumptious dough balls with garlic butter, #uhhmazing. Then this glorious beast of a pizza is their Pollo Ad Astra Leggera pizza which has a super thin base and a hole in the middle filled with salad - all around 500 calories, talk about guilt free. But... then the guilt came. I was forced to have the most divine Chocolate Glory icecream filled with vanilla icecream, fudgy (I'm already salivating) chocolate sauce and pieces of chocolate fudge cake; I don't think that was quite so under 500 calories...

We were also meant to go and see 'The Fault in our Stars', but because of all our shopping, eating and talking we missed it. Whoops... All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable day with some fabulous company and food.

A good quote can always make the difference

There's no denying that I am a lover of a good quote or two; whenever I need a bit of inspiration I just take to the internet to find something that matches exactly how I feel. That's why I thought I'd share some of my favourite ones with you. So if you're having a bad day, or even if you're not, here are some things to make your day better and brighter. 

A week of happy #1

Inspired by the incredible blog, Cider with Rosie, I want to write about my week by focussing on 10 things that have made me happy. Sometimes I forget to find the pleasure in the simplest of things, and everyone is always so caught up in their own busy lives, so I'm making a pact that every Sunday to reflect upon the positive in my previous week.

1. Getting to spend time with my grandparents - My nan and grandad recently came back from their cruise around the mediterranean, I'm super close to them and so it was lovely to have them back home and to spend some quality time with them. They're honestly some of my favourite people in the world and so any time with them is so precious to me. 

2. Drinking tea in my garden in the morning - With the weather being gorgeous lately, the mornings have been the perfect mixture of crisp air and British summertime. I've loved nothing more than having my morning 'peppermint and liquorice' Pukka tea (I'll probably write a whole post about this tea soon - it's heavenly...) with the morning birds chirping away and the sun glowing my skin and getting my daily dose of vitamin D. 

3. Enjoying the sunshine - Linking closely to the latter, quite simply the sunshine makes me happy and so when the weather is like it is - I am a happy chappy. There's something very relaxing about donning some flip-flops and a tee!

4. Catching up with friends - When I stayed with my grandparents I got to catch up with my best friend who I hadn't seen since before christmas. It was lovely to get to catch up and revisit our old 'stomping ground'. I can't wait to catch up again and with other friends soon!

5. Getting complimented on my writing by the editor of my favourite magazine - So I wrote a post about 'Company' magazine a few days ago and tweeted it to their twitter and also the editor - I never thought they would read it, let alone give me any feedback. That's why, when I did, I was so stunned and honoured. For her to be so complimentary about my writing just means the world to me. 

6. Lana Del Rey's new album - I've already done a blog post yesterday about this album so I'll keep this sweet. I'm in love with this album and it's just perfect for the weather at the moment too. 

7. Keeping up with the Kardashian's - So I'm late - very late, on to the bandwagon but I've been obsessed with this show and its re-runs on E! at the moment. I love it so much and I don't even know why, I've never been their biggest fan and totally never got the hype. I have K-fever good and properly now and it's starting to get serious... don't send help though - I'm enjoying it far too much. 

8. Getting in to freshly washed sheets - I don't need to explain this, everyone knows how good it is to do this. It's heavenly - although the process of actually making it is somewhat of a chore. The end result is divine though. 

9. Seeing my mum after her holiday - She's only been gone a week, and I've not missed her. But it's just lovely to see the people that you love. She's been on holiday in Turkey for the past week and it was just nice to have her home again <3. 

10. Daisies in the garden - Everyone seems to hate the sight of daisies in the garden, but I adore them. They remind me of walking through fields on a summers day. From my desk I look out over our back-garden and it just reminds me of the beautiful weather and, I don't know, it's just lovely. 

I've really enjoyed writing this and it's helped me see the beauty in the smallest of things - I'll be looking out for my reasons to be happy next week. I feel like it's really going to help me appreciate the beauty in life a lot more. 

Thoughts

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and just trying to piece together who I am. I know the basics; I’m a twenty year old undergraduate female student from the south-west of England. But after that, I get lost. I have a disability, but I wouldn’t necessarily class myself as disabled. I have great friends, but yet I still class myself as lonely. I’m not sad to be lonely – at least I don’t think so. I seem to be quite happy just plodding along with my life full of nothingness. I’ve just completed my first year of university and should feel so much more independent and have such a wide group of new friends. Truth is, I don’t though. I had one of the hardest years of my life and I’ve come out of it with nothing other than good grades and experience. Is that nothing though? The wisdom I have learnt from this year has surely helped me become “me” – whoever that is.

I saw a poem floating around Facebook recently about how without technology who would you actually have in your life. That struck a chord with me. I’ve come to realise that without my phone and the connection to the internet I wouldn’t have anyone. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of my friends in person. Sure, we talk all the time on the phone but without that instant messaging what would we have? I hope that it would still be the same, but I am certainly not naïve.

There are so many social expectations that I feel like I should have lived up to by now: I should have a job, be able to drive, see my friends every weekend. I don’t have or do any of these things and recently it’s left me feeling more and more like a failure. I see friends of friends on Facebook announcing their social calendar and watch as the pictures follow the posts shortly after. Whilst I sit there in my pyjama’s watching back-to-back episodes of gossip girl.

It’s like there are two people within me. There’s the one who wants to do all these things, has all these goals, ambitions and courage by the bucket load. Then there’s the other one; afraid to step out of her comfort zone for fear of being judged. It’s like my heart is telling me to do all these things, yet my head had put a barricade around the thought of anything new – anything remotely scary.

You see, I’m a thinker and not a doer. I have wild ambitions, okay maybe not that wild, but I’m scared of failing and so I don’t even allow myself to try. That’s not the way that it should be. I shouldn’t be scared of failing, failing is okay. I get anxious about things I shouldn’t even care about: making a phonecall, applying for a job, doing something new and out of my comfort zone.

If this was me a few months ago then I would lie to myself and say this would be the part saying that I’m going to change and that I’m going to start making proactive choices. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to say that. But the truth is that I don’t really know how to. I’ve been this way for so long that I’m unsure as to how I could even start. I want to be different. I want to have stories that I can tell my children, and grandchildren. I want to be remembered. I want to inspire myself. I want to be the girl that actually does something that scares her, just to prove that she can. I hope I get there, I hope I can be that girl that I’ve always wanted to be.

Big dreams.

Long term I have goals, ambitions and hopes. I mainly pride myself on being a realist and always airing on the cautious side of things, sometimes though this isn’t always the best thing to do. Being a realist, for me personally, means seeing and having dreams and great ambitions but just not always thinking that you can reach them. It sometimes leaves me rather pessimistic and “glass half empty”-like.

That being said, sometimes I have times when I feel like the world is my oyster. Instead of feeling like a small fish in an ever-increasing pond, I think that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I want to jump on these rare moments and capture their childish beauty. It is almost like when you’re very young and are asked “What would you like to do when you grow up?” and the responses tend to be “a princess” “a singer/actress” “superhero”.

I could now say that if you put your mind to something, you can achieve anything. For some this is accurate and they have often put a lot of hard work in to things to get there. However, the realist inside me is dying to say that this is only a small few, and that this won’t happen to anyone other than the very “lucky”. But then, the child-like aspect of my being keeps reassuring me that dreams are magical, without them life can get predictable. The bigger the dreams the more the passion, and the more passion the bigger and bigger dreams become, and life just becomes so much more alive.