A little ramble about worry

I'm a thinker. A deep thinker; a philosophical thinker. Some may say a worrier. I would agree. I have two states of mind when it comes to these type of things, I fret about everything or nothing at all. Even when I'm in the latter frame of mind it's not because I'm as cool as a cucumber (another metaphor, help). It's usually because I have spent so much time thinking and over-thinking, playing and replaying, that I work myself in to oblivion. Like a computer that has overheated I just shut down.

I need to learn to stop. Otherwise it's not going to leave me in a very stable place for later life, and let's be real - ain't nobody got time for that! So I need to come up with some strategies to help me overcome this because, as this trusty pinterest quote states, worrying does not stop the things you worry about from happening. 

The biggest issue for me is that I am both a hopeless optimist and crippling realist all at the same time. I need to find a happy medium in there somewhere but I'm just a it unsure as to how? I know that it's good to have dreams, hopes, ambitions. I also know that you have to live in reality. That's a tricky balance to find. 

That just made me think about the quote by Les Brown, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land amongst the stars". What does that even mean? I kind of see it as, if you want something then just try because no matter what at least you'll be happy. I like that thought. I find myself worrying about other people's opinions of me, or the ideals that they place upon me. But truly what gives anyone, but you, the right to say how you should lead your life or what direction you should follow.

Geez, time for another quote. Are you ready?! "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", by the one and only Eleanor Roosevelt. It's so fitting to what I'm saying. Why should anyone else decide what you believe, strive for, or dream of. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion. However, with that opinion you can choose to do as you wish. Just like your life. Did you see that word, "you're". 

So I think what I've discovered from this is that I need to go at my own pace. After all, the hare did not win the race. I've also found out that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and if like me you spend your time worrying about being judged or looked down upon - don't. It's your life. Yours.  

Being healthier

With summer very much here in the U.K. I've been trying to make that little bit of effort to be more conscious of what I'm putting in my body. I'm currently obsessed with salad (as mentioned before I'm in love with Mary Berry's salad dressing - soooooo good!). I never really stop myself from having things that I want, but like everyone says - it's all about moderation. Along with eating a little better, I've started doing more walking - especially around the golf course whilst my mum plays. I'm obsessed with walking barefooted on the neatly kept grass, it feels so lovely. It's also really peaceful and just gives me time to think and take in how beautiful the areas I live. Another good thing to do, that adds up, is reduce the amount of sugary drinks - I've even stopped having sugar in my tea and coffee's!

What's your secret to being more healthy - especially in the summer?

Thoughts

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and just trying to piece together who I am. I know the basics; I’m a twenty year old undergraduate female student from the south-west of England. But after that, I get lost. I have a disability, but I wouldn’t necessarily class myself as disabled. I have great friends, but yet I still class myself as lonely. I’m not sad to be lonely – at least I don’t think so. I seem to be quite happy just plodding along with my life full of nothingness. I’ve just completed my first year of university and should feel so much more independent and have such a wide group of new friends. Truth is, I don’t though. I had one of the hardest years of my life and I’ve come out of it with nothing other than good grades and experience. Is that nothing though? The wisdom I have learnt from this year has surely helped me become “me” – whoever that is.

I saw a poem floating around Facebook recently about how without technology who would you actually have in your life. That struck a chord with me. I’ve come to realise that without my phone and the connection to the internet I wouldn’t have anyone. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of my friends in person. Sure, we talk all the time on the phone but without that instant messaging what would we have? I hope that it would still be the same, but I am certainly not naïve.

There are so many social expectations that I feel like I should have lived up to by now: I should have a job, be able to drive, see my friends every weekend. I don’t have or do any of these things and recently it’s left me feeling more and more like a failure. I see friends of friends on Facebook announcing their social calendar and watch as the pictures follow the posts shortly after. Whilst I sit there in my pyjama’s watching back-to-back episodes of gossip girl.

It’s like there are two people within me. There’s the one who wants to do all these things, has all these goals, ambitions and courage by the bucket load. Then there’s the other one; afraid to step out of her comfort zone for fear of being judged. It’s like my heart is telling me to do all these things, yet my head had put a barricade around the thought of anything new – anything remotely scary.

You see, I’m a thinker and not a doer. I have wild ambitions, okay maybe not that wild, but I’m scared of failing and so I don’t even allow myself to try. That’s not the way that it should be. I shouldn’t be scared of failing, failing is okay. I get anxious about things I shouldn’t even care about: making a phonecall, applying for a job, doing something new and out of my comfort zone.

If this was me a few months ago then I would lie to myself and say this would be the part saying that I’m going to change and that I’m going to start making proactive choices. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to say that. But the truth is that I don’t really know how to. I’ve been this way for so long that I’m unsure as to how I could even start. I want to be different. I want to have stories that I can tell my children, and grandchildren. I want to be remembered. I want to inspire myself. I want to be the girl that actually does something that scares her, just to prove that she can. I hope I get there, I hope I can be that girl that I’ve always wanted to be.