A week of happy #5

1. The weather - quite simply it has been glorious. A mixture of everything, the sun has shone, and there have been dramatic downpours, thunder and lightening - it's just been a right ol' mixed bag. 

2. Making changes - I'm fully aware this could sound a little callous - trust me it's not meant to. But this past week I decided that it was time to focus on making myself happier and some things just weren't working out. So even though I know other people were affected by the changes I made, I knew they had to be made for everyone involved to be happier - there's no need to carry on being unhappy just for the sake of it after all!

3. PINTEREST - I love this, so bloody much I can't even tell you. I've only just properly got in to it but I'm already a bit hooked. You can follow me here and see me pin pretty pictures/quotes and lots and lots of peonies!

4. Barbecue's - Friday night we had a little barbecue and it was just heavenly - burgers, sausages and salad galore! It's just the most perfect addition to a beautiful summers evening. 

5. Walking around the golf course - my Mum has recently taken up golf as a hobby, therefore to spend ANY time with her I have to accompany her around the 9 hole. No, in all honesty I love it. In the evening I stroll around the course bare-footed and take in the gorgeous scenery and evening breeze, it's blissful (until she hits you with a golf club that is... yes, it's really happened!).

6. Brownies - in my blogpost yesterday I spoke all about these, so I won't go off on one again about them, just trust my honest opinion that they are the best thing I have ever put in my mouth (insert dirty-minded pun here...). 

7. Dresses - yes, I got my legs out IN PUBLIC on Friday and I did not currrr. It was so nice to just get 'um out and get a bit of sun on them. The dress I wore was this one and it's served me very well so far!

8. Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging soundtrack - I adored the film, and even though it's a few years old now, I still the soundtrack is perfect for a summers day! It makes me such a happy little chappy :) 

9. Mary Berry's salad dressing - can I please get a hallelujah for this stuff. It transforms any salad in to the best darn thing I've ever eaten (apart from the brownies, obviously!). I got mine from Tesco's, but I'm sure they sell it all over. SRSLY, get some, it this one if you're interested. 

10. Sunsets - I mentioned earlier that the weather has been perfect, well so has some of the beautiful sunsets we've had - this is just one of them and I am completely in awe of it. It makes me feel really reflective and humble for everyone and everything I have in my life. 

 I've feel like I've been so sassy in this post, it's just because I'm very very content and happy right at this moment <3

What's made you happy this week? xx

Thoughts

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and just trying to piece together who I am. I know the basics; I’m a twenty year old undergraduate female student from the south-west of England. But after that, I get lost. I have a disability, but I wouldn’t necessarily class myself as disabled. I have great friends, but yet I still class myself as lonely. I’m not sad to be lonely – at least I don’t think so. I seem to be quite happy just plodding along with my life full of nothingness. I’ve just completed my first year of university and should feel so much more independent and have such a wide group of new friends. Truth is, I don’t though. I had one of the hardest years of my life and I’ve come out of it with nothing other than good grades and experience. Is that nothing though? The wisdom I have learnt from this year has surely helped me become “me” – whoever that is.

I saw a poem floating around Facebook recently about how without technology who would you actually have in your life. That struck a chord with me. I’ve come to realise that without my phone and the connection to the internet I wouldn’t have anyone. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of my friends in person. Sure, we talk all the time on the phone but without that instant messaging what would we have? I hope that it would still be the same, but I am certainly not naïve.

There are so many social expectations that I feel like I should have lived up to by now: I should have a job, be able to drive, see my friends every weekend. I don’t have or do any of these things and recently it’s left me feeling more and more like a failure. I see friends of friends on Facebook announcing their social calendar and watch as the pictures follow the posts shortly after. Whilst I sit there in my pyjama’s watching back-to-back episodes of gossip girl.

It’s like there are two people within me. There’s the one who wants to do all these things, has all these goals, ambitions and courage by the bucket load. Then there’s the other one; afraid to step out of her comfort zone for fear of being judged. It’s like my heart is telling me to do all these things, yet my head had put a barricade around the thought of anything new – anything remotely scary.

You see, I’m a thinker and not a doer. I have wild ambitions, okay maybe not that wild, but I’m scared of failing and so I don’t even allow myself to try. That’s not the way that it should be. I shouldn’t be scared of failing, failing is okay. I get anxious about things I shouldn’t even care about: making a phonecall, applying for a job, doing something new and out of my comfort zone.

If this was me a few months ago then I would lie to myself and say this would be the part saying that I’m going to change and that I’m going to start making proactive choices. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to say that. But the truth is that I don’t really know how to. I’ve been this way for so long that I’m unsure as to how I could even start. I want to be different. I want to have stories that I can tell my children, and grandchildren. I want to be remembered. I want to inspire myself. I want to be the girl that actually does something that scares her, just to prove that she can. I hope I get there, I hope I can be that girl that I’ve always wanted to be.