Growing up and feeling like the outsider

Did you ever grow up feeling a bit like an outsider? I know that I did, and in many ways I still do. But I’m here to tell you that although it feels horrible it should not – and will not be the end of your world. As cheesy as it sounds you need to beat to the sound of your own drum. When all is said and done that’ll be the thing that you regret the most. Sure, you need to push yourself in social situations so that you have people that can support you and can make you feel good about yourself. But not everyone needs to like you, some people just won’t and it is nothing to do with you or the type of person you are.

Those people that really matter are the ones that will support you – even in the toughest of times. I am lucky enough to have a few select friends that I know will support me no matter what, and that make me feel okay even when I am the furthest from okay.

At school I was never in the ‘cool group’ and found myself flitting from group to group and never really fitting in. I remember wanting to fit in so much that I would try to mould myself in to someone I wasn’t. Although I had people around me, they weren’t all necessarily friends. I was miserable, and lonely. It’s only as I have gotten older that I’ve found the people who really appreciate me for me. I don’t have to mould myself to, or for anyone.

I think another big factor in it is finding yourself, and that takes time and patience. Even now I still don’t think that I am the person that I want to be. I still have far more to grow, but whilst I’m on that journey I’m still being true and honest to myself. When you start to do things to please yourself, then I promise you that you will start to feel like a stronger and more independent person.

I have a lot of big plans for more blog posts about this theme and I’m going to be starting a new series very soon – so keep your eyes peeled. 

Thoughts

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and just trying to piece together who I am. I know the basics; I’m a twenty year old undergraduate female student from the south-west of England. But after that, I get lost. I have a disability, but I wouldn’t necessarily class myself as disabled. I have great friends, but yet I still class myself as lonely. I’m not sad to be lonely – at least I don’t think so. I seem to be quite happy just plodding along with my life full of nothingness. I’ve just completed my first year of university and should feel so much more independent and have such a wide group of new friends. Truth is, I don’t though. I had one of the hardest years of my life and I’ve come out of it with nothing other than good grades and experience. Is that nothing though? The wisdom I have learnt from this year has surely helped me become “me” – whoever that is.

I saw a poem floating around Facebook recently about how without technology who would you actually have in your life. That struck a chord with me. I’ve come to realise that without my phone and the connection to the internet I wouldn’t have anyone. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of my friends in person. Sure, we talk all the time on the phone but without that instant messaging what would we have? I hope that it would still be the same, but I am certainly not naïve.

There are so many social expectations that I feel like I should have lived up to by now: I should have a job, be able to drive, see my friends every weekend. I don’t have or do any of these things and recently it’s left me feeling more and more like a failure. I see friends of friends on Facebook announcing their social calendar and watch as the pictures follow the posts shortly after. Whilst I sit there in my pyjama’s watching back-to-back episodes of gossip girl.

It’s like there are two people within me. There’s the one who wants to do all these things, has all these goals, ambitions and courage by the bucket load. Then there’s the other one; afraid to step out of her comfort zone for fear of being judged. It’s like my heart is telling me to do all these things, yet my head had put a barricade around the thought of anything new – anything remotely scary.

You see, I’m a thinker and not a doer. I have wild ambitions, okay maybe not that wild, but I’m scared of failing and so I don’t even allow myself to try. That’s not the way that it should be. I shouldn’t be scared of failing, failing is okay. I get anxious about things I shouldn’t even care about: making a phonecall, applying for a job, doing something new and out of my comfort zone.

If this was me a few months ago then I would lie to myself and say this would be the part saying that I’m going to change and that I’m going to start making proactive choices. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to say that. But the truth is that I don’t really know how to. I’ve been this way for so long that I’m unsure as to how I could even start. I want to be different. I want to have stories that I can tell my children, and grandchildren. I want to be remembered. I want to inspire myself. I want to be the girl that actually does something that scares her, just to prove that she can. I hope I get there, I hope I can be that girl that I’ve always wanted to be.