change is hard

I've never been good with change; I never feel like I'm quite ready. This time is no exception, because over the next few days so much is going to change in one part of my life and it's really bloody overwhelming. I think this change is so hard because everything is literally so perfect just the way it is, and I am so happy. But it cannot last and we all have to move on one day.

The one thing that I keep repeating to myself over and over again is, "the only constant thing in life is change". It's something that I know, appreciate and understand, but it still doesn't make it any less daunting. At every point in my life where change is imminent I tend to have a little bit of an existential crisis, but there's something about this change that feels different. Maybe it's because I have never felt so comfortable, happy, loved and accepted by a group of people who I've only known for such a short time. Maybe it's because these people are some of my best friends, we're a family and support system and the thought of it never being the same again quite literally breaks my heart. These people have seen me at my lowest point, but have also been there to support me whilst I have grown in to the person I am today. I am who I am now because of their advice, guidance and love.

Maybe it's because I'm scared of rejection. What if, after these changes, I don't fit in anywhere anymore? These people know me inside out, and they accept me for everything that I am. What if other people aren't as understanding, what if they just don't get me? I've given my soul to these people and they've given me their love in return. What if they forget me, and what if things are never the same again?

I know that change has to happen in order for us to grow, and I know that I will be ok. Changes have been and gone before and I'm still here. In fact, I'm stronger than I have ever been. I know that I can do this and that everything happens for a reason. I will be ok, I will. So things are changing, the relationships that I have with people may take on different dynamics but we're still the same people and we'll always have memories filled with kindness, laughter and love.

These past 9 months have been the absolute greatest of my life and I'm so blessed to have made such meaningful relationships with so many people. Things might be changing and moving forwards, but so am I.

pride, self-worth, and the future

This past week has been one of the very best weeks of my life, I've done and accomplished so much. I feel powerful, courageous, and worthy of everything that is about to happen.

For a few weeks I've been desperately trying to find a permanent job that offers both security and progression, and after failed attempts, and rejections, I finally have a job and I am more excited than I have ever been in my life (minus when I saw Adele, obviously).

Being rejected is maybe one of the toughest things that can happen, it knocks your confidence and can make you feel so inferior and unworthy. In recent months I've had a few interviews, and each one I had been turned down from because I let my nerves get the better of me and really get in to my head. I felt like I'd worked so hard on interview preparation and how I was going to deliver what I was saying that I forgot the most important thing - to just be myself.

With every rejection I felt myself slipping further away from any kind of hope that I may have once had. I felt like I was turning in to this broken shell of myself. With every set back though, there was someone there to pick me up and let me know that it simply wasn't meant for me, and that my thing would be coming up and it would be just right. I don't think I ever really believed them until this latest experience though; I'm such a believer in putting my faith in the universe now though and that everything is happening for a reason.

I went in to this last interview as me, and me alone. I had confidence in myself and my abilities and knew that I was a strong, intelligent, friendly human being, who was worthy of things because I had worked so so hard for them. And it worked. I remember coming out of that interview and feeling like I was unstoppable. I had been nothing but myself and it was enough, I was enough. One of the women interviewing me came to find me afterwards and told me how well I'd done, after she'd walked away I actually cried legitimate tears of happiness and pride - that's a feeling that no one can ever take away from me, and a moment I'll forever remember.

The way I felt that day, and the subsequent days when I found out I was given the opportunity that I had worked so hard for, was something that I need to remember in the moments when I doubt myself. Sometimes I get caught up in everything that I am not, and I forget everything that I am. Everything that I have gone through has led me to here, and I think I am ok with that. In fact, I know that I am.

it feels like home to me

In 50 days everything will change. I've always, always, struggled with things changing but this somehow feels different. I feel like I've taken roots so deep in my current surroundings that when I have to move on I simply won't be able to; the ground will swallow me whole and I won't be able to get out. I've been in places and situations that have felt like a family before, but nowhere that has really felt like home, and everything that come along with 'home'.

Never before in my life have I felt really and truly valued. But I can honestly say that when I'm around these people I feel like I belong and like I am loved. I'm welcomed each and every day with open arms and embraced so tightly that it takes my breath away. If I'm happy, they make me happier, if I'm sad then they cheer me up, and when I was completely broken they were there to listen and help build me back up to become even stronger.

Growing up I never felt popular, I was always the outsider with no confidence and no self-belief. With these people though I feel like I'm their equal, their friend and someone they actually like to be around. I'm not the friend who is only there out of pity like at school, or the girl who never really said anything like in college and university. Today I am the young woman with ambition, dreams, a voice. I'm letting myself be heard, making mistakes and growing from them, loving and being loved back. I am me, and I am proud of everything that I am because of these people. They've helped me grow in confidence and as a person. They are the family that I got to choose.

A family doesn't just have to be the people you are tied to by blood. A family can be anything you want it to be, and anything you let it be. I have found family, comfort and love in the best group of people that I have ever spent time with. I wish it could last a lifetime but, like everything in life, this is only temporary. So whilst my heart really does break with every single day that goes by, it also fills me with so much happiness to know that I will have these memories to look back on, and hopefully these people in my life forever. Things change and people move on, but a family is always a family, no matter how far apart.

b e t t e r

I have never felt so empowered. I know that I have entire world at my feet, and for the first time, I am not scared. I'm excited. I've waited so long to feel like this it's ridiculous. But I wouldn't actually change a single step that I have taken, whether that is forward or backwards. That's because every single step that I've taken has led me to today, right here and now.

Within a week everything has changed. I love myself, and everything that I am. I love myself and I know that other people love me just as much. It all just seems like a bit of a blur, but this past week has let me see that there is always hope, and there is always someone that cares. I was only ever as alone as I let myself feel, I've never really been alone at all.

So as chapters close, new pages are turned, and they're filled with endless possibilities, dreams, ambitions. I love myself, I completely and utterly love myself. I am so different, but yet still so the same. People say they don't see me for anything other than who I really am, and whilst I used to think they were lying I think I believe them now.

Someone said last week that kids can be cruel, and they were so right. I've been haunted by the things that children once said to me, and I used to think that they had stolen so many chances and opportunities away from me. But really they've taught me lessons that I may never have ever learned without them. So whilst I could never, ever, say thank you or forget what they once said, I can thank them for teaching me the real value of love, and the value of having people in your life who wish nothing but the best for you. They taught me that I have the courage to overcome anything, and come back stronger and better than ever before. They have taught me that I can do one of two things: I could use my past to make me bitter, or use it to make me better.

I'll forever choose better.

she is loved

I am floating on cloud nine right now; I feel strong, I feel powerful, and I feel oh so very loved. I've learned in the space of a few days that mirrors can lie, and tell us things about ourselves that simply are not true. They are made glass, and that is it. I am made up of flesh, bone, skin, memories, stories, moments, people, places. I am made up of everything.

Sometimes I forget just how loved I am, and how many people really care for me. There have been so many times when I've felt completely alone and like no one understands. Whilst maybe no one can understand exactly what is going on in my head, they understand that I matter and they can make me feel wanted, and loved.

I can, hand on heart, say that I have never felt more humbled in my life. Today people have told me that they love me, that they're proud of me, that I'm inspirational. I think I forget that sometimes difference can be good. It can teach a deeper appreciation of everyday things that you normally wouldn't think twice of.

I think the most important thing that today has shown me though is that the real relationships that you build in life aren't based on what you look like or whether you look the same as everyone else. Real relationships are built on the person you really are. Today has taught me that I am only as beautiful as I allow myself to feel. I think it's time I allowed myself to feel beautiful more often.

moebius syndrome: 2017 awareness day

I wish that I liked you, I wish that I could see past what you've done to me and move on, but I can't. I am so hung up on the way you've turned my life completely upside down and left it strewn in pieces right in front of me. I look at myself in the mirror and pretend to accept what I see, but how can I? I am not the person that you have made me, but I can't escape myself. 

I try to say the right things to the people around me so they don't realise just how broken you have left me. But it's hard when I can't face my own face. I can't escape you, you're the first thing that people see. People always say that a face can tell a thousand stories, but you've left me with just one, yours. 

People say that I have you in my life for a reason. But what if I don't? What if it's purely a coincidence, a genetic fate that was predetermined upon conception? There are over seven billion people on this planet, and one in two million babies are born with you. Why did one of them have to be me? I am not this strong entity that can cope with you or be a better person because of having you in my life. I hate you. I hate that you have stolen from me the normality that I so desperately crave. 

I would give everything that I have in the world for other people to see me how I see myself - without you. But that can never happen, you've robbed me of that as well. I don't want to relate to you, or to think that you're in my life to make me a better, more resilient person. I am those things and so much more, but it is nothing to do with you. 

I am strong because I have courage to keep going, even though I hate myself. I am strong because I try to look past you and see the person that I was always meant to be. I am strong because I do not let you define my inner beauty in the same way that you dictate my outward appearance. I am the person that I am today not because of you, but because of me. Whilst you will you always be a part of my story, you will never be part of me. 

You don't need that shit anymore

I am my own worst enemy. There is no one else in my way, it's just me stopping me. I'm bored of making excuses about why I can't do things. I am such a strong and resilient person; it's about time that I decided that the things that happened in my past don't have to affect my future. I'm so sick of holding myself back. When I'm older I want to be able to look back at my life and know that I took every chance that I could have to make the best life for myself. I don't want to let the people who ruined my past, ruin my future too - they don't deserve it. 

The past few months have been really up and down, and I've had to fight demons that I thought I had killed off years ago. But I was speaking to someone at my christmas party - albeit encouraged by some (a lot of) alcohol - and they said something that has really bloody stuck in my head, "you don't need that shit anymore". And do you know what, I don't. Every time that I've felt a little bit low, or been taken back to a place filled with negativity I've just heard those six simple words and they have stopped me hitting rock bottom on so many occasions.

I'm not saying that it's all plain-sailing from here on out, and I'm not naive enough to think that I can flick a switch and everything will be ok. But it doesn't have to always be ok. Just as long as I remember that I can, and will, fight for my own future. It doesn't have to have the dark cloud of the past lingering over it and stopping me from really achieving what I want. I will get there and I will not let other people dictate my future. I need to remember: one day at a time, baby steps.